Her Voice of Reason Page 5

  “Elizabeth!” She heard the well-known, demanding voice. Tears came to her eyes. Could this man not leave her alone for even a short while? Especially after last night, she deserved a moment to herself. She could hardly wait until they would be at Pemberley. There she would have her own rooms while he would stay in his. A townhouse was too small to allow such comfort.

  “There you are.” The curtain opened completely and he was beside her without a stitch of clothing covering him. Keeping her eyes on his neck, she greeted him, “Good morning, sir.”

  He laughed quietly. “Why so formal?” he asked, pulling her to him, his arm coming around her, bringing her head to his chest.

  He kissed the top of her head, murmuring something which she did not care to listen to with comprehension. On her lack of direct response he cupped her cheek, making her look at him. How was she to respond to him? Before his proposal she had always been truthful to him, never feared to say her true opinion, but now she had to lie and pretend. She was not even sure what the role was that she was expected to play. Jane insisted that she should try to engage him in her daily routine, learn to know him better. Elizabeth had promised to her sister that she would try to befriend her husband, but at this very moment it was the very last thing she felt inclined to do.

  “What is the matter?” he kept asking.

  Elizabeth wished to roll her eyes at him in annoyance but stopped herself. Instead, fresh tears gathered under her eyelids. He had hurt her last night. It was understandable now why he had wanted to marry her. Surely he would treat woman of his own rank in a more considerate and respectable manner. Instead he made her moan and cling to him with wild abandon, battering her body in the process, treating it as if every single spot belonged to him.

  “I miss my family,” she said at last, because she knew that he would not leave her alone until she gave him some explanation.

  “My dearest, I understand all the recent changes in your life are overwhelming. Nevertheless, you have a new family and new home now.”

  She looked away from him. It was unusual for her to feel so sad and desperate. She could barely recognize her own self today. She always could find happiness in small insignificant matters, but not today. It was the first day of her new life and she felt as if there was nothing that she could look forward to.

  “I shall ring for breakfast,” he announced. “You will feel much better with a full stomach.”

  ***

  Darcy was correct. The rich breakfast had improved her mood vastly. She was successful in controlling her tears and other emotions as well. The long bath which she took afterwards helped for the soreness in her legs and back. Now she was in the carriage with her husband and her new maid, whose name was Peters. They were accompanying her to the shop where Darcy’s sister, Georgiana, had her dresses done. Elizabeth was less than interested in purchasing a new wardrobe; nevertheless her husband had planned their weeklong stay in London with the sole purpose of doing just that.

  “Mr. Darcy, we were expecting you.” A tall woman approached them as soon as they walked in.

  Elizabeth looked around. The shop was polished and elegant. Not surprisingly it was not the kind of seamstress which she had visited as Miss Bennet. Darcy introduced her to the owner of the shop, Mrs. Crane. Darcy did not find it necessary to keep her company while she was to select dresses. He said his goodbyes, promising to return in two hours. Mrs. Crane told him that close to three would be more advisable.

  Mrs. Crane led her and Peters to the room at the back of the shop. Elizabeth was asked to disrobe to her undergarments. Then every inch of her body was carefully measured. She was most surprised that there were three lovely gowns which were already pre-sewn for her and needed very little adjustments so she could wear them even tomorrow. Mrs. Crane explained that weeks ago Mr. Darcy had described her weight and height, even drawing a picture of her silhouette which enabled them to make them.

  When they returned to the front of the shop, Elizabeth was offered tea, while Mrs. Crane asked her what colours and cuts were her favourite. When Elizabeth confessed that she liked both pastel and rich colours as well as plain fabrics, the woman instantly praised her good taste, stating that simplicity is the most appropriate choice for a woman of her station.

  When Elizabeth looked through the wide array of fabrics, hats, gloves and shawls, all she could think of was what a joy would it be if her sister were here.

  She felt overwhelmed with the number of the dresses which Mrs. Crane seemed to think that she needed. She tried to protest to the staggering number of twenty gowns which were to be made for her. Mrs. Crane assured her that it was on Mr. Darcy’s exact wish. Elizabeth decided that she needed to ask Darcy about it. There was no need for him to suffer from so much expense.

  ***

  Elizabeth sat in the armchair in front of the fireplace in the drawing room. The afternoon was quite cold for late spring. Jo was fast asleep, stretched at her feet, purring loudly. He was the only connection to the home she had now. She was thinking about her father and Mr. Wickham, and their reaction to the news of her engagement to Darcy.

  Mr. Bennet was amazed at her sudden change of heart. Elizabeth disliked lying to her father, but there was no other way to convince him that she truly wished to marry Darcy. She had not told him that she loved her betrothed, but she praised Darcy in the ways she could. He was a good brother, a good friend, and an intelligent man. He loved her. Mr. Bennet was not overjoyed with the news but he grudgingly accepted the fact of the upcoming marriage of his favourite daughter. Elizabeth was almost twenty-one and quite obstinate once she made her decision. At the very least Darcy was a clever and reasonable man, two things which could not be said about Elizabeth’s former suitor, Mr. Collins. What bothered Mr. Bennet the most was that Elizabeth was to live up north of the country and he would not see her as often as he would like to.

  As for Mr. Wickham, he was stationed for the summer in Brighton together with his regiment. Elizabeth began to think about him when she saw many red coats strolling the streets in London. Her last conversation with him before his departure came to her mind. He had been most kind, wishing her the very best in her new life. He ensured her that Pemberley was the most charming place, mentioning some other sites in northern Derbyshire which were worth her attention. He told her that he always would be her friend even when she was Mrs. Darcy. What a kind gentleman he was. He did not judge her despite all that he suffered from Darcy’s hand.

  “Were you pleased with Mrs. Crane?” Her husband’s words brought her to the present moment. He took a seat opposite her, his long legs stretched out in front of him, today’s newspaper in his hand.

  “The shop was very elegant and Mrs. Crane most competent. Nevertheless, I felt overwhelmed with the number of dresses which she thought that I needed.”

  “I am sure that she was not mistaken. She is a highly sought- after seamstress. Many ladies of the ton are her clients.”

  “I never doubted that, nevertheless the fabrics she insisted on were expensive, and the cost of it...”

  She did not finish because quite abruptly he pulled her by the hand, and onto his lap.

  “You will never have to worry about the cost of things,” he said, kissing her shoulder.

  Elizabeth blushed, looking down. “Thank you for the dresses, Mr. Darcy. They are lovely.”

  His arms around her tightened. “If you wish to thank me, then call me by my given name when we are in private.”

  She caught her gaze with his. “Very well, Fitzwilliam.”

  He kissed her hand, bringing it to his cheek before releasing her from his embrace. Elizabeth returned to her seat, relieved to see that his attention was back on the newspaper. She stared at the fire for a moment before strolling towards the tall windows. She looked out, her eyes settled on the fragment of purple sky above the trees growing in the square in front of the house. Her very first day as Mrs. Darcy was slowly approaching the end. How long would it last before she would stop feeling
as unwelcome and unsuitable guest in the grand life of Fitzwilliam Darcy?

  Turning her head slightly, she saw that Mr. Darcy was not reading anymore but looking at her. She smiled. He smiled back before fixing his eyes back on the newspaper.

  ***

  After dinner, Darcy asked if she could play something for him. She readily agreed. For the last six weeks she had spent much time at the pianoforte. She felt that her ability was much improved. Her music teachers had always stressed that she would have played very well if only she had practised more.

  After the second song a small yawn escaped her.

  “Let us retire,” Darcy proposed, coming to stand behind her, his hands clasping her shoulders.

  Elizabeth was not prepared to go upstairs yet. She was tired but she did not expect to rest well. She could hardly imagine a peaceful night with Darcy in the bed with her.

  Nevertheless she followed him upstairs. He left her with the maid, murmuring a promise to return soon. Elizabeth had longed to be alone if only for a short moment, thus she sent the servant away saying that she would dress herself for the night. Just as she was removing her stays, Darcy walked in. Even though he had seen her without a stitch of clothing only last night, she gasped, stepping quickly behind the hand-painted screen in the corner of the room.

  “Peters told me you sent her away.”

  “I did. I can manage myself. I am used to it.”

  She heard him sigh. “I am aware that at Longbourn you did not have the maid at your disposal, but now it is different.”

  “I am not dressing for a ball. I am perfectly capable of braiding my hair and putting my nightgown.”

  She came from behind the screen, only then noticing that he was already dressed for the night.

  “Your maid thought that she did something wrong.”

  “I simply wished to be on my own for a few moments. I barely had a moment to myself since I woke up. I like my solitude.”

  Taking her hand, he led her to the armchair in front of the fireplace. He sat down himself before pulling her onto his lap the second time this evening. Elizabeth would have preferred to talk with him seated a few feet away, but as his hold on her was secure, she stayed where she was.

  “You must accustom yourself to some changes, dearest. Servants will be present in your life to much more an extent than ever before.”

  “I will do my very best not to shame you,” she remarked coldly.

  “It was not my meaning to offend your sensibilities. I always found your manners excellent, especially in comparison with your mother and younger sisters.”

  Stiffening her back, she pushed slightly away from him. “I have a favour to ask you.”

  “Yes,” he spoke encouragingly.

  “After last night I still feel quite sore,” she confessed, looking down. “Would you mind if we do not engage in...”

  He took it much better than she expected. “Of course. I perfectly understand. You are so much smaller than I. You need time to heal.”

  “Thank you,” she said, relief in her voice so tangible that it surprised even her. She smiled at him with genuine gratitude. If only he agreed to move into another room for the night she would be perfectly content.

  “It is such a pleasure to have you here with me by my side at night. I have dreamt about it for a long time.”

  Her smiled waned. Was she not to have any privacy at all?

  ***

  With a tired sigh Elizabeth lay down on her side, enjoying the cool sheets and thick, soft mattress beneath her. Her eyes closed, and already drifting to sleep, she felt the bed dipping on the other side. She was not alarmed. Darcy had agreed not to engage her in marital duties. She believed him. He had never broken his word. Her calm was replaced with apprehension when she felt his hand pressing her back, his mouth at her neck.

  Turning her head, she was about to protest, but he covered her mouth with his. She managed to pull away from him, whispering. “You promised not to...” she reminded him.

  “I always keep my promises,” he answered. “You will not feel any discomfort tonight.”

  Elizabeth fell back on the pillows. Oh, how she disliked the man. He had given her hope that she would enjoy a peaceful night. Was it too much to ask for him to respect her privacy for one night only? She reminded herself of her conversation with her mother concerning marital relations. Mrs. Bennet had claimed that Elizabeth had to give herself to him whenever he wished until she had borne him an heir and a spare. After doing her duty she could keep her bedroom door locked from him. According to her mother, it was the way things were done in the marriages of the ton.

  The same as yesterday Elizabeth turned her head to the side, allowing her husband to touch and kiss her, imagining that he was not using her body and that she was truly not there. Like the night before, he was quite persistent at making her notice his presence. He insisted that she look at his face, touching her in ways which made it impossible for her to stay indifferent.

  Once again he brought her pleasure, her body betraying her mind as she moaned and clung to him in abandon. To complete her humiliation he wrapped her fingers around his manhood before releasing himself onto her stomach. If she was asked to choose she would have preferred the pain she had suffered yesterday to what he did to her tonight.

  Chapter Six

  The following day Darcy was busy with his solicitor and could not accompany his wife on her venture to see the seamstress. Elizabeth went to Mrs. Crane’s shop alone, not counting her maid, coachman and the footman.

  It was nearly two in the afternoon when Mrs. Crane announced that they were done for the day. Darcy told her not to expect him before five, thus she decided that it was an excellent time to visit the Gardiners at their home in Cheapside.

  “Lizzy?!” Mrs. Gardiner cried as she saw her niece walking into the parlour. “I saw the grand carriage on the street but I thought that it was only passing by. I would have never thought that it was you.”

  “Oh, Aunt!” Elizabeth ran into the older woman’s arms.

  They embraced for a moment longer before Mrs. Gardiner pulled back to have a look at her niece. “I thought that you were on your way to Derbyshire.”

  “Mr. Darcy decided to stay in London for a few days before going to Pemberley for the entire summer,” she explained.

  “Let us sit down, Lizzy,” Mrs. Gardiner proposed. “I shall ring for tea. Are you hungry?”

  “No, thank you, Aunt. I had a hearty breakfast. Mr. Darcy insists that I must eat much more than I am accustomed to.”

  Mrs. Gardiner gave her an appraising but kind look. “He must be concerned. You are much thinner than the last time we saw each other.”

  “I have little appetite,” Elizabeth acknowledged.

  The silence fell between the women as they waited for the tea to be brought. Mrs. Gardiner put her arm around the younger woman, bringing Elizabeth’s face to her arm. Elizabeth cried for some time, silent tears falling down her cheeks.

  “There, there, it cannot be that horrible,” Mrs. Gardiner soothed her, giving Elizabeth a fresh handkerchief to clean her face.

  “Where are Uncle and the little ones?” Elizabeth asked, only then noticing that the usually busy house was perfectly quiet.

  “Marigold and Thomas are still napping, while the older ones are in the park with the nanny. They should be back soon. I do not expect Edward until late afternoon. He is very busy these days.”

  Strong, fragrant tea allowed Elizabeth to feel slightly better. In the familiar surroundings of the Gardiners’ home she felt secure and calm.

  “I understand that you are staying at Mr. Darcy’s townhouse,” Mrs. Gardiner enquired.

  “Yes, in Grosvenor Square.”

  “It is a lovely part of London.”

  Elizabeth fell silent again. She did not remember much about Darcy’s townhouse. She could barely recall the colour of the wallpaper in the bedroom where she slept.

  Her aunt clasped her hand in both of hers, asking with
concern, “How are you, Lizzy? Truly. Does he treat you well?”

  “Oh Aunt. He never leaves my side. I could only come here today because he had a meeting with his solicitor.”

  “He likes you. He wishes to stay close to you. It is most natural.”

  “I do not wish to be with him every minute of the day!” Elizabeth exclaimed. “I will not bear it for much longer. I will cry out to him to leave me alone!”

  Mrs. Gardiner rubbed her back. “And the wedding night?” she whispered. “Was he gentle?"

  New tears brimmed Elizabeth’s eyes. “He treats me like his possession.” She shook her head. “Now I know why he chose me, a gentleman’s daughter with no penny to her name.”

  Mrs. Gardiner cupped her cheek. “Look at me, Lizzy. What is your exact meaning? What did he do to you? Did he hurt you?”

  “I cannot speak of it.”

  “Elizabeth, we shall discuss it. Tell me what he did to you? Did he beat you? Force himself on you?”

  “He did nothing of the kind, still... Mama said to me that it would be over quickly and after everything he would leave me alone for the rest of the night.”

  “I would not trust your mother’s advice, Elizabeth. You should know this. I gather that he did not leave you alone.”

  “He insisted on staying and holding me to him. Last night I asked him not to... engage me into...”

  Mrs. Gardiner nodded with understanding. “And?”

  “I explained that I was still hurting after the first night and he seemed very kind at first, seemingly mindful of my discomfort. I hoped that he would give me some privacy. He did not... you know my meaning... but he did things which were even more embarrassing than that.”

  Elizabeth looked down at her hands. She was so embarrassed that she could barely look at her favourite aunt. She heard a sigh coming from Mrs. Gardiner.

  “Lizzy,” the older woman spoke. “You must confess one matter to me. Did you find his attentions entirely unpleasant?”