Apprehension and Desire Read online

  Apprehension and Desire by Ola Wegner

  Copyright © 2010 Ola Wegner

  Table of Content

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty -Three

  Chapter Twenty- Four

  Chapter Twenty- Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Epilogue

  Chapter One

  Elizabeth Bennet stepped out of the carriage, supporting herself lightly on Sir William Lucas’ arm. Together with Sir William and his younger daughter, Maria, she was on her way to Kent in order to pay a long promised visit to her friend Charlotte. The eldest Lucas daughter had left Hertfordshire shortly after Christmas when she had married Mr. Collins. Her husband was the Bennets’ cousin, and he held the position of the parson at Hunsford, Kent, a village presided over by Lady Catherine de Bourgh of Rosings Park.

  “Miss Elizabeth, it will take some time to change the horses; perhaps you and Maria would like to have some tea at the inn?” Sir William suggested, his usual good humoured expression written on his face.

  Both young ladies agreed readily, and Sir William escorted them inside the inn. He ordered the refreshments and excused himself to see to the change of the horses. The tea, little sandwiches, and biscuits were promptly delivered. Elizabeth took advantage of Maria’s preoccupation with the meal to remain silent and allowed her own thoughts to drift to her upcoming visit in.

  Although Elizabeth’s feelings concerning the visit were rather mixed, she anticipated more than dreaded it. One would think the situation to be rather awkward as Mr. Collins once courted her and even proposed to her, though he had been rejected, of course. However, Charlotte obviously did not see the awkwardness to it, as she repeated her warm invitation in every single letter that she had sent to Elizabeth since her departure.

  Elizabeth had to admit to herself that last winter had been a very lonely time for her. Her elder sister, Jane, who was her dearest friend as well, had been away from Longbourn, staying since January in London with their Aunt and Uncle Gardiner at their house in Gracechurch Street. Without Jane and Charlotte’s company, especially with her father becoming more and more secluded in the privacy of his library, she had literally no one with whom to speak to and share her thoughts. The weather had been unusually cold for the south of England, which effectively discouraged her habit of taking long walks. Moreover, her mother seemed to have made a resolution to remind her daily, or at least every second day, of her rejection of Mr. Collins’ suit and what tragic consequences it would bring for the entire family. Elizabeth did her best not to take those remarks to heart. She knew she could not have done otherwise so far as Mr. Collins was concerned.

  There was a matter, though, which worried her much more than Mr. Collins and her mother’s unpleasant remarks. It was the situation with her sister Jane. Despite being almost three months in London, she had not met Mr. Bingley even once. Jane was not one to wear her heart on her sleeve, but reading between the lines of her letters, Elizabeth easily guessed that her dearest sister was heartbroken with Mr. Bingley’s neglect and ignoring of her person. Elizabeth’s heart bled for her sister, almost as much as if it had been she, and not Jane, who had been rejected and abandoned by the man to whom she had given her heart.

  Suddenly, Elizabeth’s attention was drawn by a child’s scream. She lifted her eyes to see the family who occupied a nearby table. There were several children of various ages and a rather elaborately dressed woman, who obviously had to be their mother. The woman seemed to be seriously displeased with something, for a permanent scowl appeared to alter her already rather unattractive features. She wore a bright dress, in a very fresh shade of green, and a few large feathers’ adorned her turban hat. It momentarily crossed Elizabeth’s mind that she had to share the same dressmaker as Miss Bingley used.

  The child, perhaps a five year-old, boy, screamed again, tugging at his mother’s dress impatiently.

  “I want cookies,” the child pronounced with a steely expression on his heavily freckled little face.

  “You will not get any cookies,” the woman answered coldly, pushing her son from her.

  As a consequence of this action, the child started a prolonged cry, making his mother even more angry.

  “Where is that girl when I need her?” the woman cried impatiently, her voice raised. “She is never with the children, always disappearing somewhere.”

  The boy kept wailing steadily, and Elizabeth was about to propose to Maria to move elsewhere, to a more quite place, when she saw a young woman leaving the small side room and hastily approaching the noisy family.

  “There you are! Where have you been?” the elaborately dressed woman exclaimed in a harsh tone.

  The young woman bowed her head and answered politely. “I had to refresh myself, madam.”

  “You should have stayed with the children. I do not pay you for disappearing when you are most needed. I must take my rest before the remainder of the journey, and your responsibility is to take care of the children and allow me a moment of peace.” The woman kept her voice raised high in order to speak louder than her son’s wailing. “Now, calm down, Master Anthony.”

  The young woman took the boy’s hand, but he only turned redder in the face and kicked his governess’s leg hard enough to make her face contort in pain.

  “Lizzy, is it not…? Maria asked Elizabeth in a lowered voice.

  Elizabeth looked compassionately at the young woman, who appeared to be close to her own age. “Yes, it is she. It is Anne Parker.”

  “Perhaps we should greet her,” Maria spoke hesitantly after a moment. “I remember that she and Charlotte were good friends.”

  Elizabeth lifted herself from her place and looked directly at the young woman, with a friendly smile on her face. Miss Parker had to feel Elizabeth’s gaze on her, for she lifted her eyes. Elizabeth smiled and nodded her head, but the other woman averted her face quickly, without any acknowledgment of Elizabeth. She bent down to pick up the kicking and screaming Master Anthony, carrying him out of the inn.

  “Did she not recognize you, Lizzy?” Maria asked, her curious eyes following Miss Parker when Elizabeth sat back on her chair.

  Elizabeth stayed silent for a moment before answering. “I think she recognized me, and you as well, Maria, but it was her wish not to speak with us.”

  Maria leaned towards Elizabeth and whispered. “Poor Anne, that woman is so horrible.” She glanced at the mother, who at that very moment had her mouth full of muffins. “And those children are like little monsters.”

  “Yes,” was Elizabeth’s only reply, her expression clouded.

  ***

  “Elizabeth, my dear!” Charlotte cried, catching Elizabeth’s hand and kissing her cheek. “I am so pleased to see you.”

  “As am I to see you, Charlotte.” Elizabeth kissed her friend’s cheek back and hugged her.

  Charlotte smiled at her one more time, her eyes promising a longer talk later, and moved to greet her father and her sister. Elizabeth turned to look at her friend’s new home. The cottage was simply charming. It looked al
most cheerful with the trees and bushes around it, a neat gravelled path leading to it, flowery curtains in the windows and a freshly painted, light blue door. Instantly, the view of the house put her into a much better mood after her spirits had been considerably diminished by the scene she had witnessed at the inn.

  “My dear cousin Elizabeth.” Mr. Collins approached her with a smile. “How do you like our little home?” There was much pride in his voice when he darted his head up to look at the building.

  “It is very pleasant indeed, cousin,” Elizabeth said sincerely with a smile. “So happily situated and so well kept.”

  “Ah, yes,” Mr. Collins let out a sigh of satisfaction. “We are perfectly happy here, my dearest Charlotte and I.”

  “And I am happy to hear it, Mr. Collins,” Elizabeth said evenly, knowing she meant it. When she had first heard that Charlotte had accepted Mr. Collins, she could not imagine how her intelligent and sensible friend could be happy with such a man. But Charlotte seemed to be perfectly content, even blooming, when she was showing her father and sister her new home.

  Soon Charlotte insisted all of them to walk inside the cottage while Mr. Collins stayed by the carriage to instruct the servants on where to carry the luggage.

  To Elizabeth, the inside of the cottage made an even better impression than the outside. The rooms, though small, looked spacious due to the light colours of very tastefully matched wallpapers. There were fresh flowers on the tables, and everything looked pristinely clean.

  Elizabeth exclaimed about how much she liked the house, and she noticed how much her words of praise pleased Charlotte, who nearly beamed in pride about her household.

  ***

  As they had arrived on Saturday, it was only on Monday morning that Elizabeth was able to talk more privately with her friend. Sir William, together with Mr. Collins and Maria, had gone to the village, and they were due to return in a few hours.

  “Tell me, Elizabeth, what is your impression of Kent, Rosings Park and Hunsford?” Charlotte asked with a smile, handing Elizabeth a cup of fragrant tea.

  “You know how much I like your house, Charlotte.” Elizabeth took a sip of a tea, inhaling the pleasant aroma. “I had no idea you possessed such a talent for house decorating.” She took another sip. “Excellent tea.”

  “Lady Catherine shared some of her tea with us. It is a very expensive blend, I assure you,” Charlotte confided. “As for the house, I have been imagining for years how I would like my house to look if I was ever fortunate enough to have a home of my own,” she spoke with obvious enthusiasm. “There are many more things I want to change here.” She looked around the room.

  “It really gives you pleasure, does it not?” Elizabeth asked with a warm smile.

  “Yes, it does.” Charlotte lifted her cup to her lips. “ However, you still have not answered my question; what do you think about Rosings Park, the manor, the gardens?”

  “The gardens and the park are marvellous, from what I have managed to see. I cannot wait to explore the grounds fully. The manor itself is very grand, but perhaps too fancy and overly embellished to match my taste exactly.” Elizabeth reached for a biscuit. “I was surprised that Lady Catherine insisted on our visiting there only the second day of our stay.”

  “She likes the company, I think.” Charlotte pushed the plate with sweets closer to her friend. “We are often invited to dine at the manor. Lady Catherine likes to listen to Mr. Collins’ reports on what is currently happening in the village.”

  Elizabeth raised her brow, munching the biscuit in her mouth. “Lady Catherine voices her opinions very decidedly, I would say.”

  Charlotte smiled, shaking her head a little. “The same as you do, Elizabeth. I think that Lady Catherine was quite astonished with how outspoken you are.”

  “I hope that my behaviour will not harm your relations with Lady Catherine,” Elizabeth said worriedly as she swallowed her cookie.

  “No, I do think so.” Charlotte put a calming hand on Elizabeth’s arm. “I think that she was quite diverted with you. Now, help yourself to another biscuit. I know you like them, so I ordered the cook to prepare them especially for you.”

  Elizabeth let out a soft sigh, and her eyes rested longingly on the plate full of goodies. The ones covered with lemon icing were her favourite. “Oh, I really should not. I would not be able to tie my stays later.”

  “It is not that bad. You have a very pleasant figure, the kind that most gentlemen feel instantly attracted to.” Charlotte glanced meaningfully at the low cut of Elizabeth dress, where her rather prominent bosom swelled.

  “Charlotte, please,” Elizabeth murmured, blushing. “You always embarrass me with such remarks.”

  “I am sorry.” Charlotte gave her friend an apologetic look. “It was not my intention to make you uncomfortable, but simply to give you a compliment.”

  The friends were silent for a moment, occupied with their cups, before Elizabeth spoke again.

  “I have wanted to tell you about something since I arrived, but there has not been an appropriate time alone with you so far. You will not guess who we saw when we were changing horses on our way here.”

  The older woman nodded. “I know. Maria mentioned that you saw Anne Parker and described what you had witnessed at the inn.”

  “Oh, if you could have seen poor Anne there,” Elizabeth cried. “It was so humiliating. Those people she works for are so horrible; the children she cares for are little monsters and their mother, so vulgar, so unkind.”

  “Yes, sadly, it is quite a common fate for a governess,” Charlotte stated.

  “A life of loneliness and humiliation.” Elizabeth shook her head. “Anne does not deserve it.” You remember what a brilliant, vibrant creature she was, both she and her sister, Amy.”

  “Yes, but mind you that it was before their father’s death,” Charlotte pointed out. “Mr. Parker left his daughters with so little money that they had no other choice than to take employment.”

  “I just cannot forget what I witnessed.” Elizabeth walked to the window and stared outside at the lush and green garden at the back of the house, biting her lower lip and furrowing her forehead. “Charlotte, I smiled at her. I wanted to greet her, but she pretended not to recognize me, though I am sure that she did.”

  “You should not be surprised,” Charlotte said. “It must have been a terribly awkward situation for her. Once we were all equals, and now the situation has changed so very much for her.”

  “Yes, it did change.” Elizabeth turned back to her friend. “But the worst is that… I cannot stop thinking that one day, and very easily too, I could become her. Oh, Charlotte, it is horrible. I am afraid.”

  Charlotte stood up and stepped to her. “I know how you feel about it Lizzy. Believe me, I am familiar with that fear, and I know how it feels. It might have been my future as well, had I not married Mr. Collins.”

  Elizabeth looked at her friend for a moment before saying. “Forgive me, Charlotte, for even mentioning that matter now, but you found me unrealistic when I rejected Mr. Collins?”

  “I do understand why you acted that way.” Charlotte smiled kindly. “You know, it is easy to be romantic at the age of twenty. Your youth makes you fearless of the future; but in the course of time, more and more fears tend to invade. I am happy about my decision to marry Mr. Collins.“

  “You look happy,” Elizabeth said with conviction.

  “I had practically buried the hope of ever getting married.” Charlotte admitted, “I should thank you for rejecting Mr. Collins’ suit.”

  Elizabeth said nothing to this, and Charlotte continued in a soft voice. “It is not that bad. I hardly see him all day long. I have my own home, and I know that my future is safe. That is most important in life, financial security. I will always have my own home and not be a servant to anyone like poor Anne Parker is. Mr. Collins is not the smartest of people, to be sure, but he is not intentionally cruel, never that, and he is quite… I would say, manageable. As
for the more private side of the marriage, you know what I mean, it is pretty disgusting and loathsome, but bearable. And you can reduce it to a minimum quite easily.”

  Elizabeth took her seat again, and after a long moment she spoke again with a wistfulness in her voice. “I always hoped to have a marriage like my Aunt and Uncle Gardiner.”

  “But such marriages are so very rare,” Charlotte stressed the last words. “Waiting your whole life for something which may very well never come cannot be good or sensible. It can only make you become bitter and disappointed. I agree that Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner are an extremely well matched couple, but to tell you the truth, they are the only such married couple like I know.”

  “Me, too,” Elizabeth agreed quietly.

  “Life is not a fairy tale, and it is not like some romantic novel,” Charlotte continued in a sure voice as she sat down. “Forgive me saying this, but look at your sister Jane. She has everything a woman can desire, a rare beauty, sweetness and kindness, and what? And what?? Mr. Bingley paid her much attention, but then, in reality, he left her. In the last letter from my mother, I read that he probably has no intention of ever coming back to Netherfield. Do you think it is fair to be treated like that?”

  “No.” Elizabeth dropped her eyes to her lap. “My heart bleeds for Jane.”

  “That is why we have to take the situations that life creates to our advantage whenever we can,” Charlotte spoke with great conviction. “We cannot count on men or society to help us with it.”

  “I must admit, I am more prone to agree with you than I have ever thought to be before,” Elizabeth agreed quietly.

  “You will agree even more with me when I tell you about the fate of Amy Parker, Anne’s sister,” Charlotte said gravely.

  “What happened to her? Did she take a position as well?”

  “Yes, you can say so,” Charlotte lowered her voice. “She took a position, of sorts.”

  “Of sorts…?” Elizabeth creased her dark brows.

  Charlotte leaned in confidentially. “My mother told me that she became a mistress to a rich aristocrat. The man is a viscount, the eldest son of an earl, and he is already married to some equally titled lady.”