Her Voice of Reason Read online

  As Mrs. Darcy, Elizabeth could help her mother and sisters easily, even with sharing as little as her pin money. Could she reject a wealthy man like Darcy for her own selfish reasons? Had she accepted Mr. Collins, her family would have been safe already. At the thought of being Mrs. Collins Elizabeth felt a wave of great unease and nausea overpowering her. Her cousins was abhorrent to her in a purely physical way, his smell and his greasy looks made her shudder with disgust. Darcy was far from repulsive as far as his looks were concerned, and he was in custom to take a bath. Moreover, it seemed quite easy to organize one’s daily routine in a way that one did not need to interact with one’s husband too often. Her mother and Charlotte were the best possible examples of such an approach to married life.

  Her attention was brought back to the man by her side, when he took a glass from her, drank the rest of the wine from it, before putting it back into the basket.

  “You look lovely today,” he spoke in a low voice, while kneeling in front of her. The haughtiness was gone from his face, and he was again gazing at her with tenderness.

  He cupped her face, leaning down to kiss her. This time she managed to accept it with more grace and much less astonishment. That feeling was quickly gone as his quick fingers removed her bonnet, and his heavy form was pushing her back onto the ground.

  “Mr. Darcy,” she gasped as her back touched the blanket, and she felt the hard ground beneath her. She pushed her hands against his chest, attempting to push him away.

  “I will not harm you,” he whispered fervently, placing small kissing along her jaw line. “I will barely see you in the weeks to come,” he murmured into her neck.

  His was kissing her neck or rather licking and nibbling at the tender skin there. His other hand settled on her midsection, stroking her ribcage. Elizabeth blinked her eyes as she stared at the wide tree branches above her. What was she doing? Why was she allowing him all those liberties? She did not like him. She despised his company.

  “No!” she exclaimed, sitting up, pushing him away. “We should not do it.”

  Her chest was heaving as she reached for her bonnet. He was not done with her yet, though. He pulled her with her back to his chest, one of his arms around her waist keeping her to him.

  “It was not my intention to scare you,” he whispered in her ear. “You must know that my regard for you has always been a most passionate one.” Having said those words, his hand crept upon her bosom.

  “Mr. Darcy, you forget herself!” she spoke firmly, scrambling to her feet and away from him. She was shaking all over her body. She was aware that she was able to do so only because he allowed her that. She had nothing to his strength.

  Silently, he packed the rest of the utensils into the basket and folded the blanket. “My man will come later to collect it,” he explained. “Now, will you prefer to walk farther today, or return to Hunsford?”

  She accepted his arm with hesitation. “I would prefer to return home.”

  He smiled at her, his expression unthreatening. As they walked, he explained to her how he imagined their wedding and their future life at Pemberley. Elizabeth listened to him, saying very little and only when asked directly. What she truly wished to tell him would end their betrothal before it lasted one day.

  Chapter Four

  May 19th

  Pemberley,

  Derbyshire

  My dearest and loveliest Elizabeth,

  In the first words of this letter I wish to tell you that I am counting the days to our wedding. Only ten days and we shall never be separated again. I realize that there will be times in our future life when we will have to be away from one another, but not for longer than a few days, I hope.

  Soon we will be one and you will see Pemberley. It is a beautiful estate, but at this time of the year it will welcome you at its very best with the gardens and park in full bloom. The housekeeper, Mrs. Reynolds, is busy with preparations. There has not been a Mrs. Darcy for many years, thus certain matters will need some adjustment. She has already selected your new lady’s maid. Her name is Peters, and I hope that she will be to your liking.

  As I wrote you in my previous letters, I ordered to refresh my mother’s rooms, which stood unoccupied for some many years. My father closed them after her death, forbidding to clean or even air them. You can image the state they were in when we opened them after fifteen years. The hired people are working long days to make them ready for your arrival. Georgiana selected new wallpapers, furniture, upholstery, curtains and rugs, everything in light pastel colours, hoping that you will find her choices pleasing. She is eager to meet you. She has always wished for sisterly friendship. After hearing so much about you she anticipates your company almost as much as I do.

  I will arrive at Longbourn a day before our wedding, nine days exactly from the day I am writing this letter. Colonel Fitzwilliam agreed to accompany me. He was surprised but very much pleased when I informed him of our engagement. He even granted me a rare compliment, stating the he did not think me to be quite that clever. He certainly approves of our union, thinking the same as I, that your liveliness and high spirits will not only improve my life but also Georgiana’s and everyone’s at Pemberley.

  In your last letter your assured me that Lady Catherine’s visit to Longbourn did not bother you that much, nevertheless once again I wish to apologize that I failed to protect you from my aunt’s ire. Although she was correct in pointing out the vast difference between our families and upbringing, her true reason to dislike the prospect of you as Mrs. Darcy is quite different, I assure you. The idea of me marrying her daughter and my cousin, Anne, has always existed solely in Lady Catherine’s head. I have never made any promises to Anne or given her hope with my behaviour, nor my mother did for that matter when she was still alive. My mother wished for me to marry for love like she had done.

  Despite her threats, Lady Catherine can do nothing to prevent our union. I am not only of age but also financially independent since I was two and twenty. Had I ever wished to marry Anne I would have done it years ago. I am in need of a wife who will warm my heart and my bed. A sickly cousin, to whom I have never felt any inclination apart from respect due to her being my next of kin, would be the very last candidate for the role, closely after Caroline Bingley.

  As I have mentioned already, I am counting the days to our wedding. I am in a constant state of nervousness and anticipation. My attempts to stay occupied and productive are futile as I think of you every waking moment of the day. At nights it is even worse. I always prided myself to be a patient man, but those last several days of being away from you are testing my patience severely. I have dreams like I have not had for ten years since I was a young, inexperienced lad and my father decided that it was high time to take me to London and introduce me into manhood. I fear that I will calm down my desires enough to have a goodnight’s sleep only after having you in my arms for at least a week or even a fortnight. When I think about your lovely...

  Elizabeth crumpled the letter in her hands, not wishing to read more. She also was in a constant state of nervousness, but in her case anticipation was replaced with fear and despair.

  A knock on the door made her hide the crumpled letter under the pillow as she sat in her bed with a book. Her mother would not hesitate to demand reading Mr. Darcy’s letter. Since the news of Elizabeth’s engagement came to Longbourn, followed by Darcy’s short stay at Longbourn, Elizabeth had become Mrs. Bennet’s favourite daughter. Suddenly the woman liked to spend time with her second daughter, giving her much advice concerning marriage life, which Elizabeth did not wish to listen to.

  It was Jane though, and not Mrs. Bennet, entering Elizabeth’s room, Jo following her at his usual leisure pace. The cat settled on the warmest spot in the room, on the rug, right by the fireplace.

  “How are you feeling, Lizzy?” Jane asked with a kind smile. “You were very quiet at dinner.”

  “I am well, sister,” Elizabeth returned the smile.

  Jane settled
on the bed next to Elizabeth, reaching for her sister’s hand. “Sad thoughts?”

  Elizabeth shrugged her rounded shoulders. “He does not allow me to forget about him. He sends letters almost every day.”

  “His last letter has upset you,” Jane guessed. “What is he writing?”

  “I could not finish it, “ Elizabeth reached under the pillow for the crushed paper. Jane took it from her, smoothed the paper, and leaning towards the candle standing at the bedside table read it, scanning the tightly written paragraphs.

  “He seems to love you, Lizzy,” Jane said, hiding the letter between the pages of Elizabeth’s book.

  “He wants me to warm his bed,” Elizabeth spoke with disdain. “Those are his exact words.”

  “Men are different than us in that respect, I believe. He wishes for your company because he likes you, sister. He thinks that you are beautiful and lively. He seems kind. He will not hurt you. It is obvious he wishes to treat you well.”

  Elizabeth hid her face in the pillows. “Do not try to cheer me up, Jane. I cannot think about my life by his side.”

  Jane stroked her back in a soothing motion. “All will be well. You are worrying yourself too much about it. “

  “One day he will learn about the true reason behind my acceptance of his suit. He will hate me then, knowing that I married him only for his wealth.“

  “Have you thought about revealing the truth to him?”

  Elizabeth sat up. “I cannot do that! He would not wish to marry me. What then? Who would take care of us after Papa’s...” She could not say the last words.

  Jane hugged her closely. “How I would wish to be me in your place, Lizzy. I would give away everything I have to spare you this.”

  Elizabeth pulled back from her. “Jane, I know that you would be most happy to help our family; you would not be selfish the way I am.”

  “You are not selfish, Lizzy,” Jane insisted firmly. “You are sacrificing everything you have ever believed in to help us. Never think about yourself as selfish.”

  “But I know, Jane, I know very well, that you being in my place, would be happy to help, happy to sacrifice yourself, while I cannot be! I cannot!” With those words Elizabeth broke into tears.

  Jane pulled her younger sister back into her arms. “Shush, dearest, shush. You must be of good thought, Elizabeth. Mr. Darcy has his faults, but he loves you and he will treat you well.”

  Slowly, Elizabeth calmed down, soothed by her sister’s voice and the warmth of her arms. After some time, Jane spoke again. “You must promise me one thing, Lizzy.”

  Elizabeth looked up at her, her gaze questioning.

  “From the day of your wedding, you will do your very best to look at Mr. Darcy without prejudice. Try to learn his likes and dislikes, spend time in his company. Perhaps you will learn to like him. He is intelligent, well travelled, educated and worldly. I am certain that you can discuss many interesting subjects with him. You have much in common: books, music, love for the outdoors. It is a good foundation to build on.”

  “Oh, Jane, do not ask me to do that. My intention was to organize my daily life as far from him as possible.”

  “You may be successful in keeping him at bay with servants around and many duties that you will have as the mistress of Pemberley, but at night you cannot close yourself from him. It is clear what he expects from you. My understanding is that he will be kinder to you at night if you give him some attention during the day. You should build understanding with him, become his trusted friend. Also there is his sister. He wants you to become her friend. She must be rather lonely, being raised singlehandedly by a much elder, forbearing brother. ”

  “You are asking too much, Jane.”

  “It is for your own good, sister. Promise that you will at least try to know him.”

  Was Jane right? Was she wrong in her initial plan of setting her life as far from Darcy as it was possible?

  “I promise that I will try,” she said after a moment. She may try, however she could not imagine that she would be able to enjoy Darcy’s company for a longer time. The man irritated her with his high-minded attitude, his pride, his rude and condescending manner towards other people. Jane’s suggestion to discuss books with him was sound, though. She remembered that in his own peculiar way he had indeed praised her for her reading habits one evening at Netherfield last year. Characters, themes and plotlines seemed safe enough subjects to discuss with high and mighty Mr. Darcy.

  ***

  “Lizzy, come here child,” Mr. Bennet said through the open window. Elizabeth and Darcy were strolling down the lane surrounding the house. Darcy had arrived only two hours ago, but he refused to stay inside the home, asking for the tour of the gardens and the park.

  Elizabeth looked up at the man who tomorrow would become her husband.

  “Mr. Darcy will excuse your company for an hour.” Her father’s voice brought her attention. “After all, he will be taking you away from us tomorrow.”

  Darcy bowed to the elder man with respect. “I will go to see the church in the village. I have not seen it yet, and I heard it to be quite old.”

  “Yes, it was built in Elizabethan times,” Mr. Bennet confirmed.

  Darcy walked away unhurriedly while Elizabeth returned to the house, and soon was sitting by her father’s side in the library.

  “How are you, Papa?” Elizabeth asked, looking closely into her father’s face. He had been paler and less animated in the last week, which worried her greatly.

  “I am sad, my daughter, that you are leaving Longbourn.”

  She smiled. “It is only natural, Papa, that the daughters leave the house.”

  “I did not think that it would happen quite so soon and that you would be the first to go.”

  Elizabeth covered his hand with hers, squeezing it. “I will write, Papa. I will visit as often as possible. You must come to Pemberley and stay as long as you wish to. Mr. Darcy spoke about its library as the work of many generations. It is said to be one of the best private book collections in England. You will enjoy it.”

  Mr. Bennet did not reply to the invitation. Elizabeth herself was not entirely certain if Darcy would welcome her father so very openly. They had never spoken about the possibility of Elizabeth’s family paying a visit in Derbyshire. But Darcy seemed to bear his father-in-law’s company better than anyone else’s at Longbourn.

  Mr. Bennet sat quietly, holding on to Elizabeth’s hand. When she had announced her engagement he questioned her reasoning behind her acceptance of Darcy’s suit. However, in the recent weeks he had not returned to the subject of his second daughter’s wedding much.

  “I should have been a better father for you, Elizabeth.”

  Elizabeth did not expect such words from him. “You loved and understood me, Papa. I could not wish for a better father.” She was honest with her assurances. She was well aware of her father’s faults: his neglect of his marriage, estate, and his other daughters. Nevertheless, the awareness of his weaknesses never diminished his love for her. She was his favourite, a willing recipient of his sarcastic sense of humour and his love of books, never overlooked like the younger girls or sometimes even Jane, not to mention their mother.

  “Had I tried harder to secure your future you would not feel forced into accepting a man like Mr. Darcy. Years ago when your uncle, Mr. Gardiner, offered me a share in his business which turned out to be so profitable for him, I refused.”

  “I have never heard about it,” Elizabeth noted with curiosity.

  “I did trust your uncle’s business skill and I knew him to be a trustworthy man, but I was too lazy to even bother with his ventures. Jane was toddling around and you were just a baby at the time. I thought that I would surely have a son to inherit Longbourn who would secure financially his sisters. Had I acted differently, been more responsible back then, you would have a small but independent fortune of your own now.”

  Elizabeth stood up to embrace her father. Tears brimmed her eyes. She did
not trust her voice to answer. Since her return home from Kent she had done her very best to convince him that her engagement to Darcy was something she wished for and was happy with. Perhaps she had tried too hard. Mr. Bennet was not fooled, she knew it now.

  Please, God, save him. She prayed silently. Do not take him, not yet.

  Chapter Five

  Elizabeth woke up to the feeling of a warm, hard body pressed against her. A heavy arm was drawn over her middle, and hot breath fanned her neck.

  Slowly she managed to disentangle herself from the tight embrace without waking her husband in the process. Last night when she had returned to bed, after sitting for nearly an hour in the dressing room, she had found him sound asleep. She was mindful to find herself a spot far away from him and so close to the edge of the bed that she was afraid that she would fall down during the night. She could not remember when he had reached for her, pulling her to him.

  Wincing at the still present discomfort in various parts of her body, she planted her feet on the carpet and stood up. The room was darkened, the curtains drawn. She walked to one of two tall windows and stepped behind the thick velvet curtain. The day was foggy, with dark clouds hanging low on the sky above the trees in the square. The weather matched her mood perfectly. The air in the room was stuffy, so she reached for the handle to open the window. Fresh air hit her face, and she inhaled with pleasure. Supporting her face against the cool glass, she looked at the greyish street. Grosvenor Square looked quite illustrious. She had never been to this part of London before, only heard about it.