Her Voice of Reason Read online

  Elizabeth shook her head, her cheeks scarlet.

  “I see.”

  “I tried to pretend that I felt nothing but he made it impossible,” she spat angrily.

  “Well, child, my opinion is that you should allow yourself to enjoy your husband and his attentions.”

  “I cannot lose myself to him! I must protect myself.”

  “It is a lost battle. He is older, worldly and experienced. If he wants you to feel pleasure when you are alone with him he will do it.”

  Elizabeth shook her head in displeasure. “I imagined everything very differently.”

  “I will offer you the same advice which Jane gave you. For your own good you should try to learn to like him.”

  “Everything in me wishes to keep my distance from him.”

  “It is fear of unknown and your own prejudice that keeps you away from him. I do not believe that he is a bad man, Lizzy.”

  “What about Mr. Wickham?! Jane and Mr. Bingley?! The way he treats our family? He spent two days at Longbourn because he could not stand my mother! He forbade his own sister from attending our wedding. He even thought it unnecessary to invite you and Uncle to the ceremony.”

  “He is not perfect by any means, but he is not evil like you depict him to be. When I was growing up in Lambton everyone knew of his parents. My father used to say that the Darcys were good and fair masters. If his son had been the cold-hearted man, he would have never married you, Elizabeth. I believe that you came into his life to help him see his wrongdoings and change for the better.”

  ***

  Elizabeth left the Gardiners’ house with a warm feeling surrounding her heart. She wished to speak longer with her aunt,but theirtête-à-tête was interrupted by the children returning from their walk. Nevertheless, Elizabeth was pleased to spend some time with the little ones. Her Uncle did not return until shortly before she had to go, but she promised to visit them tomorrow after her appointment with the seamstress.

  It was nearly six when she reached Grosvenor Square. In high spirits she entered the house only to be faced with an angry-faced Darcy, glaring down at her with a much displeased demeanour.

  He led her to a room which she had not yet seen, a small library or rather study at the rear of the house with windows facing the garden.

  “Can you explain where you have been all these hours?” he asked without preamble as soon as he allowed her in and closed the room.

  Elizabeth did not appreciate his tone or his manner. She did not enjoy being led by the arm as a child.

  “You informed me earlier today that you would stay late at your solicitor’s,” she reminded him.

  “I was in a hurry to deal with numerous matters to be able to spend the rest of the day with my newly wedded wife. To my astonishment, on my return I did not find her at the seamstress shop, nor was she waiting for me at home.”

  Elizabeth looked away from him. If she was to be perfectly honest with herself it had never crossed her mind that Darcy would worry about her or even notice that she had been gone. For as long as she remembered she had enjoyed much freedom when it came to her daily routine. Her mother was always occupied more with herself than her daughters, while her father spent most of his days in the library. Apart from Jane, who knew Elizabeth’s customs well, rarely someone asked where she was going or what she was doing.

  “Are you even aware how worried I was about you?”

  She looked up at him. “Worried?”

  “Yes, worried to death about your whereabouts. I thought that something might have happened to you as you do not know the city. My only reliance was that the coachman and footman were with you.”

  She squared her shoulders. “I know London quite well, I assure you. In the past I spent much time here visiting my aunt and uncle. When you told me in the morning that you would be busy for most of the day I decided that it would be an excellent opportunity to visit them.”

  “Your aunt and uncle?” he asked, his expression puzzled. “The ones from Cheapside? Why would you wish to visit them?”

  There was so much prideful superiority and haughty disdain in his last question that Elizabeth instantly saw red. She had been silent until now when he ridiculed her mother, father and younger sisters because at least partially he was correct in his assumption of their actions and character. However, the Gardiners were an entirely different matter. They did not deserve such treatment. In Elizabeth’s eyes they were far better people than Darcy, his friend and family.

  “I love them. For years they have been like parents to me and Jane. They are the best people I know and I will not stop seeing them because of your unjust prejudice against them. They were not fortunate enough to be born into wealth and privilege like you were, but they have worked hard for all they have and thus they deserve utmost respect. They are kind, cultured, and sensible people. I will not turn my back on them now after everything they have done for me and Jane only because my husband is a pompous, conceited man who is disdainful of the feelings of others and has an overly favourable opinion of himself.”

  With those words she had left the room, not caring in the least that the door closed with a considerable slam.

  ***

  That night Elizabeth cried herself to sleep. Her anger rivalled her despair. How was she to share her life with this man for many years to come? Jo’s presence by her side gave her some comfort but also saddened her anew, as the cat was the only connection that she had with her old life. Darcy wished to change her. He wanted her to forget about her family and friends, he even ordered to dispose of her old things. When she asked Peters to prepare her simple cotton shift the maid answered that Mr. Darcy ordered to remove all the old nightgowns as soon as the new ones arrived. Elizabeth had no other choice but to don a delicate see-through shift adorned with lace and ribbons handed to her by the maid.

  It was very late in the evening when she woke up from her slumber, feeling the bed dipping on the other side. She stiffened and trembled at the same time. If he were to reach over to her she would claw his face raw and scream the house awake. This would have given him every reason to send her to Bedlam or at least think that she was even more unsound than her mother.

  He did not try to touch her. As the minutes passed and he did not move closer to her she managed to calm down and eventually fell asleep. When she woke up in the morning she all was alone in bed.

  ***

  “We may let out the hem a little more, Mrs. Darcy.”

  Elizabeth looked at her reflection in the large mirror. She had on a long, deep green coat lined with fur. Darcy had insisted that she should have one to be well prepared for the cold Derbyshire winters.

  “The length is fine, Mrs. Crane,” she assured, admiring her reflection. She looked handsome in her new attire even though it was not yet ready; the white stitching was still in place, marking the places which should be adjusted.

  “We shall send it to Pemberley finished by the end of June, together with the matching hat, gloves and shoes.”

  “There is no hurry, as I will not wear it until late autumn, I imagine.”

  The coat was removed from her and she was given back her dress. It was a sign that she had tried on everything which she was supposed to today and she was free to go. Tomorrow was the last time to visit the shop for final measurements. So far she had lost the count of all the different pieces of wardrobe which had been made for her. She did not imagine that she would need a new gown for another two or three years.

  Peters, her maid, was with her again. Elizabeth suspected that Darcy decided to surround her with servants so they could inform him about her whereabouts. She did not know Darcy’s plans for today. She had had breakfast in bed and had not seen him downstairs on her way out to the awaiting carriage. She could easily ask the servants about him, but she refrained herself from doing it.

  Her surprise was great when she saw him waiting for her in front of the shop as she was leaving it with Peters and the footman. Both servants were carrying nume
rous parcels containing boxes with hats, gloves, as well as other articles of clothing.

  He greeted her pleasantly with the proposal of a walk. Silently she accepted his arm, and they moved forward. They street was busy and noisy, thus there was little opportunity for conversation. Elizabeth enjoyed the artful window shop displays as well as well- dressed people who passed them by.

  She thought that her husband must have some destination in his mind, and she was right, because soon enough he stopped in front of the Hatchard’s, one of the most well-known bookstores in town.

  Darcy explained that he was to collect some previously ordered books, allowing Elizabeth to wander around the place. She was quite occupied at the poetry section when Darcy returned to her side.

  “Have you found anything worth attention?” he asked. Nodding, she showed him a few volumes. “Good choice,” he nodded. “I will read them myself when you finish with them.” He took the books from her before speaking in a quiet voice, “I owe you an apology.”

  Elizabeth looked up at him. It was the first time since yesterday when she had a good view of his face. He was pale and his features were drawn. Had he suffered the same from their argument as she had? The proud and formidable Mr. Darcy worried about a few harsh words received from his wife?

  “You were correct saying that I was wrong to judge Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner, as I have never met them. Nevertheless, you must understand how upset I was when you returned home late without informing me first about your plans. I was very much concerned about you. If someone hurt you... “ He shook his head. “I do not even wish to think about such a possibility.”

  “I did not plan on visiting the Gardiners yesterday. I finished earlier at Mrs. Crane’s and I thought that I had enough time to go to Cheapside. You said that you would return late, thus I thought that I would be home before you. It was not my intention to cause you worry.”

  Placing his hand on her shoulder, he spoke, “It was a misunderstanding on both sides, then. I do hope that we will communicate more effectively in the future.”

  Elizabeth gave him a slight nod before looking away from him.

  She heard him sigh. He placed a finger under her chin, making her look up. “Do not turn your eyes away from me. You do not know how it hurts me when you do so.” His voice was barely a whisper.

  Elizabeth stared into his dark orbs. She had never before seen him so very vulnerable. He was always so self assured and decisive.

  “Come,” he said, his voice flat and disappointed when she spoke nothing to him in response. “We have much to do this afternoon.”

  ***

  Elizabeth was astonished when after leaving the bookshop Darcy directed his steps to the toy shop. He asked what age were the little Gardiners and then what were their names. He wished to pay a visit to his wife’s aunt and uncle to be able to form his own opinion about her relatives. He thought it a sound idea to bring some gifts for the children. Elizabeth assured him that it was not necessary and that the Gardiners did not expect it, but he was adamant. At the very least she managed to persuade him from buying an elaborate doll house, and he settled on rag dolls for the girls and wooden soldiers for the boys.

  As the carriage stopped in front of the three-storey brick home in Cheapside, Elizabeth was full of apprehension. She knew very well how unpleasant Darcy could be when he disliked someone. All the Gardiners were gathered in the drawing room, including the children, as they expected Elizabeth’s visit.

  Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner were taken aback that their niece was accompanied by her husband. They greeted him with genuine interest and kindness but without unnecessary flattery towards his person. The children seemed intimidated by the tall stranger, accepting the gifts with shy gratefulness. Quietly they went into the corner of the room to unpack and play with them.

  The Gardiners were well aware of the true reason behind Elizabeth’s decision to marry Darcy, but they treated him as they would any young man introduced to them by one of their nieces. Mr. Gardiner discussed the current situation on the continent while Mrs. Gardiner asked him about the familiar places in Lambton where she had grown up.

  Darcy was reserved but polite, even complimentary, at one time remarking how well behaved the little ones were. He did not seem to change his mind even when Marigold toddled to his side with her new doll, climbing up on his lap. The elder children were too self conscious to do such a thing, but a two year old did not care that Elizabeth’s husband was the grandson of an heir, that his family had come to England along with William the Conqueror, and that he was worth ten thousand a year. For the little girl he was someone likable enough to enjoy his close company for a few minutes before she became bored and ran away to her elder sister.

  ***

  “You were correct in your assessment of Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner. They give the impression of intelligence and sensibility.”

  Darcy said the words later in the evening when they were in their bedroom. Elizabeth was dressed in one of her new nightgowns. To no avail she tried to learn from her maid where her old ones had gone. Although the one she had dressed in tonight was lovely, it was far from modest. She decided to reach for a light shawl which covered her bare arms and exposed bosom.

  “I am glad that you think so well of them,” Elizabeth told him with honesty. She was pleased and proud that Darcy could see that she had relatives that she did not have to be ashamed of.

  “Perhaps we could even invite them to Pemberley one summer. The children would enjoy the park, the lakes and the animals.”

  “I am certain that they would be delighted to visit, especially my aunt. She always speak of Derbyshire with such a fondness. She thinks it to be the most beautiful of all the counties.”

  “I will certainly not argue with her on that. Derbyshire is the most beautiful of all counties.”

  Elizabeth disposed of her soft slippers and modestly climbed under the covers, keeping the shawl wrapped tightly around her arms. Darcy joined her quickly.

  For a longer moment they lay in bed, silence between them. Darcy turned to her first, placing his hand chastely on her middle. “Are you cold?” he asked, with his fingers touching the woollen shawl. “Should I build the fire?”

  She shook her head, searching his eyes. She could see hunger and desire in them, in the way he looked at her lips, his fingers grazing her hand.

  She wondered if he was kind to her relatives only to return into her good favour. After a moment of consideration she rejected such a possibility. Their quarrel might have prompted him to meet them and form the true opinion about them, but he would not lie to her if he disliked them. After all, he never tried to flatter her by praising her parents and younger sisters, but on the contrary.

  He wished to please her by meeting the people whom she loved and who were important to her. She could not dislike him for that. She appreciated his effort and good will.

  Slowly she reached her hand to touch his cheek. He closed his eyes, visibly enjoying her gesture. As she suspected, he found it to be enough of an incentive to kiss her. With more grace and in a calmer manner than before she surrounded to his embrace and touch. He still hurt her, but the pain was less noticeable than the first time. As she knew what she could expect from him, she was less vulnerable and more capable of hiding her feelings and emotions as he caressed her, reaching to the most intimate parts of her. Apart from a few short moments she managed to stand aside, waiting for him to finish and leave her alone. She could see that she was pleasing him, but her spirit was not there with him. She had sold herself to him, but there were parts of her soul which belonged only to her, and she would never share with him.

  Chapter Seven

  June 20th

  Cheapside

  London

  My dearest niece,

  You do not know, my Lizzy, how pleased I was to receive your letter today. I had no doubt that you would be enchanted with Pemberley and from your words I see that I was right. To my eyes it is one of the most beautiful places I have laid my
eyes on. With your love for nature and countryside you must enjoy it very much indeed.

  In your letter you have not mentioned much of Mr. Darcy, but allow me to write to you my opinion of him. When he came with you to visit us I was very much astonished with his presence and curious of his person. He is a handsome man, my dear. Those eyes! And he is so tall! His voice so deep and pleasant. Your uncle had a laugh at me that I seemed spellbound by him.

  You spoke so many times of your dislike for him and I understand the reason behind it. His personality is different than yours. He is not naturally easy with people like you are. My suspicion is that he is shy and shadows it with aloofness and formality.

  Of one thing I am certain. He loves you, Lizzy. He would have not come to meet us if he had not wished to please you and earn your good opinion. The way he looks at you is rarely seen in men, with such feeling and devotion.

  As I have told you before, he has his faults for certain, but I do not believe him to be a bad man. Your uncle agrees with me. His impression of Mr. Darcy was very favourable. He thinks highly of him, and you must remember that your uncle does not take easily to strangers.

  Your uncle and I always have you in our thoughts and prayers. We hope that you will find peace and happiness. Bear in mind that good things do not come to us easily. Struggles force us to appreciate more what we have.

  Your loving aunt,

  Madeline Gardiner

  ***

  Elizabeth sat in the tall grass on the side of the hill looking down at the breathtaking view spread beneath her. She enjoyed coming here at least once a week even though it was an hour’s walk to reach here from Pemberley.

  In her new life as Mrs. Darcy she certainly did not have much free time on her hands, much less than when she still had been Miss Bennet. Her days were filled with many duties. They were hardly difficult or tiresome, but for certain they were time consuming. No longer could she go for a long walk whenever she wished or close herself in the library for days reading. There were daily conversations with Mrs. Reynolds over household affairs, as well as long hours spent on visiting the tenants, village school and hospital or planning charity events with the parson’s wife. Moreover, she had letters to write because Darcy had shared with her part of his duties concerning the running of the estate. She did her very best to fulfil her new role, and she knew that he was not disappointed with her in that respect.