Her Voice of Reason Page 9

  “As far as I remember it was you who once said that one should exercise the mind by constant reading.”

  He laughed shortly. “Indeed I did,” he agreed, his eyes searching her face with intensity.

  “I shall take the books upstairs.”

  He stepped to the side, clearing her way. She could feel his gaze on her back as she was leaving the room with two large books in her arms.

  ***

  Elizabeth could not find the answers she hoped for from the books she had borrowed from the library. There were a few paragraphs discussing cancer; however, they offered her little information and not much hope. Cancer was a deadly disease, with the period of illness development lasting from a few months to years, the book claimed. The cases of returning to health were rare. Surgical removal of the lump was rarely successful and caused immense pain to the patient.

  She received many long looks from her husband as more than once he found her bent over thick volumes treating on human body and sickness. She was pleased and relieved that he did not ask more questions about her new and sudden interests in medical science.

  After looking through every book on the subject which was at Pemberley, she received no answers but more questions than before. She wrote the letter to Jane, suggesting that they should contact Mr. Greenwood again to inform him about their father’s improved condition. In his long practise he must have encountered people who managed to recover even despite a bad initial prognosis.

  Not waiting for the answer from her sister, she decided that she had to speak with Mr. Coleman about cancer disease. She would not reveal the truth to him, it was nothing of his business that her father was ill, but she would learn as much as she could from him. He was knowledgeable in his profession, that much was certain. Even according to Darcy, who seemed to dislike him but always consented that he was a good practitioner and praised his work ethics.

  ***

  After a busy morning filled with her everyday duties, Elizabeth walked out of the house early in the afternoon, knowing that Darcy would be busy for most of the day. Her husband knew that she was leaving, but he thought that she was taking her daily stroll.

  As she reached the village she met the parson’s wife near the church but managed to go past the chatty woman quickly without being invited inside the parsonage for tea.

  She found Mr. Coleman talking to one of the little patients who due to a dangerous fall had his leg and arm broken. The boy, about seven years of age, was well on his way to recovery, but he stayed in the hospital, as his family had no means to look after him during the day while they worked.

  The physician was surprised but pleased to see her. He did not oppose as she asked him for his time. He led her to a small room at the back which must have served as his study, because it was stuffed with books and papers. Elizabeth felt that it was an excellent place to ask for answers to her dilemma.

  She took a seat in front of the large desk and expected him to sit in a leather armchair on the other side, but he took another chair from the corner, sitting close to her.

  Leaning forward, and looking into her eyes, he asked, “How may I help you?”

  His voice was low and warm in tone. Elizabeth began to think that it was not the best idea to come here to see him after all.

  Straightening up and squaring her shoulders, she spoke, “There is a matter I wish to discuss with you, as I need your professional knowledge.”

  The frown appeared on his face. “Are you ill? I can see that the bruises healed well. There is hardly a sign that you were hurt so badly.” He reached his hand, touching her cheek. His touch was not one of the physician though, but rather a man who had other motives at heart.

  Elizabeth searched his face, and seeing his blazing blue eyes, reddened cheeks, feeling his hot breath on her face, she decided that it was a high time to end her visit. Swiftly she rose to her feet, but as she was at the door she felt herself being pulled back by her elbow.

  “I knew why you came here,” he breathed into her ear, his arms wrapping around her waist. “I know that you do not love him.”

  Darcy was the only man who ever touched her in such a way. While at first she had only tolerated his presence, it never caused disgust within her. She had little trouble with enjoying her husband’s touch, and welcomed it once she had grown accustomed to it.

  What she felt now was fear and sickness to her stomach. Darcy, despite his many faults, had a very appealing scent, a combination of soap which he used daily, the outdoors, his horses and dogs. Elizabeth liked to bury her nose in his chest, enjoying this aroma, feeling safe and protected.

  Mr. Coleman smelt unpleasantly and his arms around her felt wrong. Will all her might she pushed away from him and stepped to the door. It was not closed and soon she was in the main room of the hospital, marching towards the front entrance. She wished to run, but knowing that it would look suspicious she managed to control her legs. As she walked through the village she did it on a fast pace but with her head raised high. No one could guess what had just happened in the study of Mr. Coleman, the physician.

  Chapter Ten

  What should she do? Could she resolve the complicated matter with the physician by her own means? In order to do so she would have to pay another visit to Mr. Coleman, and it was out of the question. She would never be left alone with this man. She had acted stupidly going there alone, asking for a private conversation. She had thought him to be a gentleman. She was naive. Jane would have never entered into such an unpleasant situation of her own doing.

  Wrapping her arms around Darcy’s neck, she buried her head in his neck, for a short moment hiding from all her troubles and worries.

  “What is worrying you?” he enquired one more time, returning her embrace and holding her to him.

  When she did not answer, he pulled her away from him, and cupping her cheek, he asked, “Have you received bad news from the Gardiners or Longbourn?”

  Two large tears ran down her cheeks. She could not stop them. All of a sudden it was all too much for her, the uncertainty about her father’s health, separation from Jane, the guilt she felt daily for deceiving Darcy into a loveless marriage, and lastly Mr. Coleman’s unwelcome advances.

  “What happened?” He shook her gently, locking his eyes with hers.

  Sniffing, she cleaned her cheeks with the back of her hand. “I went to the hospital today,” she revealed quietly.

  Darcy frowned as she expected him to but waited for her to continue.

  She gathered all her courage and said, “I wished to speak to Mr. Coleman about a certain matter concerning a person close to me who is ill. I thought that he would share his professional knowledge with me, but he understood my visit quite differently. I left as soon as I realized what his intentions were. He did not hurt me, though,” she assured quickly. “He attempted to touch me and said some silly words, but I ran away and he did not try to stop me.”

  She finished her tale, waiting for the reaction.

  Darcy was calm and silent for a while. She did not look into his face, staring at her hands placed on her lap.

  “Should I believe that you did not encourage him?” he finally asked.

  “I did not. However, I can now see that some of my actions may have spoken differently. I thought Mr. Coleman to be a gentleman. I trusted him. I was naive to do so.”

  “Am I to believe then that nothing happened between you and him?” he demanded sharply.

  She looked up into his face. “He attempted to embrace me but I ran away as soon as I realized his intentions.”

  Darcy stood up from the bed, pacing the room. “How could you do it to me? How could you? Was I not kind to you? I loved you... I...”

  Scrambling from the bed, she ran to him. “I did nothing. I left as soon as I guessed his true intentions. I swear.”

  He pinned her with his dark gaze. “Why should I believe you? I felt that you were hiding something from me!” His pacing was getting faster and faster. “All those books you
read about the medical field. It was to please him, was it not? You used every opportunity, every excuse to go to the village to see him! When did it begin? Before your accident or after?”

  “How dare you?!” she exclaimed. “I have never had the slightest interest in him!”

  He stopped all movement, his eyes creeping up her body. “Did you share his bed?”

  Indignation and fury filled Elizabeth’s heart as she raised her hand, slapping his face. It had little impact on him, but her hand was left hurting.

  For a moment he looked as if he wished to give it back, but he controlled himself. He left the room without another word to her.

  She collapsed to the floor, weeping violently. What had she done? Oh, what had she done to herself and to him?

  ***

  Elizabeth slept late the following morning due to staying awake until dawn. When she went downstairs it was close to midday. Darcy was nowhere in sight, but she found Georgiana practicing diligently in the music room. Elizabeth was full of admiration for the young girl. Never in her life was she able to be as devoted to her education as Georgiana Darcy was. As Elizabeth’s parents did not care to supervise her, she learned only what held interest to her. Darcy was right saying that she had little knowledge on science-related subjects.

  Georgiana informed her that she had seen her brother at breakfast but he had seemed preoccupied with something and soon after left, taking his horse.

  Elizabeth went to her study, where she had some letters to reply to and household accounts to look through. Despite her best efforts she did very little work. She did not see Darcy until dinnertime. He talked to her but barely looked at her. When Georgiana retired for the night and they were left alone in the drawing room he ignored her entirely.

  This scenario repeated for the next two days. Darcy left the house shortly after breakfast and returned just in time for dinner. He was formal but polite towards his wife, gracious and loving towards his sister.

  On the third day Elizabeth was astonished, happy and fearful when after breakfast he asked her for a private conversation. He led her to the library. He took a seat behind a large desk, making Elizabeth feel as a naughty girl who deserved scolding.

  “There are several matters I need to inform you about. Two exactly. First of all your aunt and uncle, Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner are coming to Pemberley with a visit,” he said, not looking at her. “They will stay for about a week before they will travel farther north to tour the Lake Country. We should expect them the day after tomorrow.”

  Elizabeth frowned in confusion. “Aunt Madeline did not mention any of this in her letters.”

  Darcy sighed, his eyes fixing on her face. “I asked her not to write to you about any of this. I wished for it to be a pleasant surprise for you.”

  “You do not wish it any longer,” she guessed.

  He ignored her remark entirely. “The second matter is that I spoke to Coleman. He confirmed your scenario. He also swears that nothing but a short embrace happened between you and him and that it was entirely of his initiative. I have no means to check if he lied to me or not about this.”

  “He did not lie,” she spoke fiercely.

  “We both agreed that it would be better if he began looking for a new position, preferably not in Derbyshire. He is to return to Scotland before October. His too hasty departure might raise some gossip. I do hope that you understand that until the new physician arrives, your visits to the hospital are not advisable.”

  Elizabeth breathed out in relief. That was good news indeed. The man would be gone from here, not bothering her any more.

  “You seem relieved,” Darcy observed.

  “I am.”

  He narrowed his eyes at her. “Are you truly?”

  “I have never betrayed you and I would have never done such a thing,” she assured him, staring into his face.

  Darcy leaned back in his chair. “I do not know what to think about this. I do not trust you anymore, that is for certain.” He rose to his feet, stepping to the window, his hands folded behind his back. “Your courses should come within days. For your own good you should pray that there be no delay. I have no intention of raising someone’s bastard.”

  All that he said in a passionless tone, turned away with his back to her. Elizabeth shuddered. What if she was with child? Darcy would doubt his paternity. Was there something worse for a woman? Her husband not believing that the child she might be carrying was his?

  Without a word, she stood up and left the room. Without a second thought she ran out of the house, not minding that the weather was less than appropriate for a walk.

  ***

  As she returned home four hours later, she was tired and dirty, as well as cold and hungry. Her dress was ruined, the same as her shoes, and her hair must have resembled more of a crow’s nest rather than the elegant coiffure created by her maid in the morning.

  She walked many miles, was caught by rain twice, but she knew well what she had to do now. It was time to reveal the entire truth to Darcy. She preferred him to think that she was a fortune hunter rather than an adulteress.

  Without a knock she entered the library. As she expected she found him at the desk. He was not working, though. The opened letters were placed in front of him but he was sitting motionless staring into nothing in front of him.

  She closed the door after herself then walked to his desk. She stood with her arms squared and her chin high.

  “Where have you been?” he asked, taking in her dishevelled state.

  “I walked.”

  He frowned. “Where?”

  “I do not know.”

  He sighed. “Those demonstrations are not needed, madam. They do not impress me,” he spoke calmly, taking one of the letters in his hand.

  She leaned forward and snatched the letter from him. “You will listen to me. I went to see Mr. Coleman to ask about his professional opinion about a certain illness. It was also the reason why I read all those medical books in the past weeks.”

  He stared at her, unconvinced and unbelieving.

  “A person very close to me has been ill for many months now. It seems that there is much improvement, but I am scared to hope.”

  This seemed to pique his interest. “Is that person Jane? You receive letters from her almost every day. I found it rather strange. Why did you not tell me about her illness if she is truly ill? I might have helped.”

  Elizabeth shook her head. “It is not about Jane. It is my father.”

  “Your father? He seemed well last time I saw him.”

  “He was not well, he still is not. Jane writes that he feels much better, though.”

  “You went to Coleman to consult it? Why did you not tell me sooner about it? Why all these secrets? I found it difficult to imagine. I am beginning to think that you truly have feelings towards that physician. It would certainly explain your coldness towards me.”

  She looked into his eyes. There was hurt in them. She knew that by revealing the truth she would hurt him even more. What would be worse for him, the knowledge that his wife had accepted him solely for his fortune or the suspicion that she was romancing another man behind his back?

  “I do not care for Mr. Coleman. Only five months ago I did not care for you either. Last winter we learned, Jane and I, that my father had a cancer and that he would die before the end of this year. The diagnosis came from an excellent physician, Mr. Greenwood of the Royal Academy of Physicians. He befriended the Gardiners. ”

  Elizabeth could see that he was becoming more confused with her words. She had to present him proof before she lost all his trust.

  “I have a letter to show you. I will return soon,” she announced to him, walking out of the library.

  She nearly ran through the house to her room where in a small desk she hid all her letters. She opened the drawer and took out the letter hidden at the bottom beneath the others. She had brought it with herself as she had left home. Thank God for that. What would she have done without it now?
She had also decided to show Darcy the letter from Mrs. Gardiner where she wrote about Mr. Greenwood.

  Soon after she was in the library, again standing in front of her husband. “Here they are.” She handed two letters to Darcy, slightly out of breath. “One is the letter which Mr. Greenwood wrote to my sister, Jane, about our father’s condition. The other one is from Mrs. Gardiner where she agrees to contact Mr. Greenwood and ask for his help.”

  He took the letters from her, not opening them.

  “When you proposed to me in April I was visiting Charlotte only to put us, the Bennets, in her good graces in case my father would die within months and she would become the mistress of Longbourn. Then you proposed. I did not expect it. I would have refused if the situation were different, as I did not care for you. However, with my father’s sudden illness I knew that we would be destitute without him and that at least one of us had to marry very well. We lost hope that Mr. Bingley would ever return to Jane, thus I decided to accept you.”

  Darcy opened the first letter, reading it quickly before moving his amazed eyes at her.

  “Why did you not tell me earlier?”

  “I could not. I married you for your wealth so you could help my family once my father is gone.” Tears stood in her eyes, her voice breaking. “I did not like you. I did not think highly of you. But I never betrayed you. I have always been faithful to you and our marriage vows. I tried to be the best Mrs. Darcy in every respect.”

  Darcy was silent for the longest moment. He took his time to read both letters. Elizabeth proposed that she could show him others letters both from Jane and Mrs. Gardiner where Mr. Bennet’s illness was discussed, but he shook his head, murmuring that it was not necessary.

  “I am not an idiot,” he spoke at last. “I knew that your feelings did not match mine when I proposed to you. Nevertheless, I hoped that with time and familiarity you would feel more towards me.”